OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Joke of the Day
From Art Beebe 06/28/2020
H AVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE !
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK
HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?’
🙂
From Art Beebe 06/28/2020
H AVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE !
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK
HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?’
🙂
From Art Beebe
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a drivers license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a drivers license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?"
I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.
I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
(THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN LIZ. W)
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
And friends who care.
I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.
I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
(THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN LIZ. W)
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
And friends who care.
"TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE - SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS."
THE BACK NINE
I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. READ SLOWLY!
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.
But, here it is... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not on the back nine yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the back nine or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver . LIVE HAPPY IN 2015!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:
~Your kids are becoming you.....but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~You forget names.... But it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything like golf.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear .
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS !!
Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN; YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LAST
“Do Not Regret Growing Older. It is a Privilege Denied to Many.”
I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. READ SLOWLY!
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.
But, here it is... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not on the back nine yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the back nine or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver . LIVE HAPPY IN 2015!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:
~Your kids are becoming you.....but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~You forget names.... But it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything like golf.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear .
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS !!
Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN; YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LAST
“Do Not Regret Growing Older. It is a Privilege Denied to Many.”
Six Little Stories (From Liz W. )
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE
{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 67 years old.... I am sweet 16 with 50 years experience'
That's ATTITUDE
Hopefully that is how we live our lives.
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE
{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 67 years old.... I am sweet 16 with 50 years experience'
That's ATTITUDE
Hopefully that is how we live our lives.
If My Body Was a Car!
This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would
be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in
my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into
things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks
or
My Exhaust Backfires!
This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would
be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in
my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into
things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks
or
My Exhaust Backfires!
How practical can you get ……………? (THANK YOU ART B. .....01/14/2016)
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is,
"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights."
I'm just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot,
because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would've put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press one for English
when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself;
sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means
walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.